Category Archives: Brazilianaire Vol. 1
The 2004-2005 travel adventures of The Brazilianaire
Never Fly American Airlines
Seriously, fly with any of these guys – just not AA!
After a number of experiences with my least favourite company of the Oneworld alliance, I am proud to present:
THE BRAZILIANAIRE’S TOP 10 REASONS NEVER TO FLY WITH AMERICAN AIRLINES
1. Why fly when you can crash?
2. Why crash when you can have your baggage sent to a small European country instead of England?
3. Happy to cancel flights, not so happy to help find you accommodation.
4. Happy to change the type of ticket you travel with as long as it causes you problems and saves AA a bit of money.
5. Happy to keep you holding a dead phone-line in over 16 languages and 42 countries around the globe.
7. The attendants who look like they have all just been told they have been fired and have 48 hours more to work
8. For changing flights to a different day than the one the customer is advised of…
9. For removing Frequent Flyer information from world tickets thereby depriving passengers of their points! (Is that called stealing?)
10. For service with a forced smile… seriously look no further.
I don’t hold grudges… much…
But seriously – big congrats to Oneworld’s other carriers – Qantas, Lan, Iberia, Cathay Pacific and British Airways – you guys rocked!
French Kiss
View from the top of the Tower
It was terribly romantic, a little bit tongue-in-cheek and disappointingly, not even mine. That’s right, I’m still 28 and never been kissed(*).
But while I was in Paris I heard the wonderful story of a couple who decided to travel to the romantic town of Paris just so they could French Kiss… I don’t know if they knew they could engage in this activity in their lounge room at home or that their tongues didn’t need a seperate passport for their travels. But it is Paris, so all is quickly forgiven…
Kissing abounds in the streets, and you almost expect someone to come up and remove the colour of the day to resemble those famous kissing Parisians of photographer Robert Doisneau. Which poses the question – where is the romance in Australia? Closer to the icebox by the sofa on Grand Final day perhaps? Your new challenge for the Aussies reading this email is to show a little public display of affection with the one you love within the next 24 hours and put Australia back on the Romance Circuit.
But more on Paris… Parisians love bread – and I mean LOVE bread. But faced with the choice of McDonald’s or endless baguettes, I always gave in to the yeast within. It’s just as well that Paris is a city to discover on foot. I think the balance between a whole lot of walking and a wholewheat salad baguette was well maintained by the Brazilianaire!
(*) by a pygmy with a bowel disorder… (My mother reads this too you know.)
Down and Dutchy in the ‘Dam
Canals in Amsterdam
There’s a small village of cobbled streets and canals somewhere in Europe with the name of Amsterdam. In this town, villagers scoot about on bicycles, clanging their bells at pesky pedestrians who stray or stay on their path.
Tiny shops sell small, select lines of goods such as three varieties of grilled sandwiches – and only that. Some streets are calm and quiet with plenty of trees and chairs for a moment of solitude, while others, are bustling with waves of people flowing to and from their vices of choice.
And the choice is plentiful. Amsterdam is a town that reflects the liberalised views of the Dutch people. Take one of the coffee shops for example. Here people ask you how you like your coffee… Milk? 1 sugar? 2 spliffs? Rarely do people actually come in for coffee when you can come in for an over-the-counter joint instead. Dutch businesses annually make mint-loads from tourists since marijuana was legalised.
Don’t pass on an opportunity to stroll through the colourful red light district, where legalised prostitution advertises itself at the windows. Picture a room that is more like a telephone box with a curtain. Inside this box is a woman. She comes in all shapes and sizes and the accessories are entirely optional. It’s almost like being in an inverted fishbowl as the ladies come forward and tap on the glass trying to get your attention. And sometimes they don’t use their knuckles to do the tapping…
But vices aside, Amsterdam has its charms with its emphasis on water, environment and village-style urban living. Traffic is efficient and varied and the Dutch are always willing to help out a foreigner. But for me, the masterpieces of Holland’s most eccentric artisan were one of its best attractions at the The Van Gogh Museum.
How could I not mention my favourite part about my Amsterdam arrival… the urinals at the Schiphol airport. Painted on to the porcelain are small black flies, strategically placed near the drain. Scientific studies, of whom the scientists must be very proud, have shown that men, given something to aim at tend to do just that – aim. So painting flies on the urinals has halved the cleaning bills of the Schiphol airport… Now there’s a research grant well deserved.
Travelers Tips:
After your arrival at the airport, DON’T catch a taxi and pay 40 Euros. Catch a train to Amsterdam’s Centraal Station instead, and then either a further taxi or streetcar to your destination for a total of about 5 Euros.
Stay at the Hans Brinker Budget Hostel for a cheap stay in Amsterdam. Enjoy their rather unique “It can’t get any worse, but we’ll try our best” advertising campaign, and of course the plastic cheese for breakfast. Get more details through Hostelworld.com
Lifted Laundry in London
Hopefully this one won’t be falling down anytime soon…
I used a regular soap powder, but not even the extra strength protection of OMO could save my clothes. Upon returning to laundrette of my choosing, my stash of clothes had been just that – stashed. Feeling slightly miffed about this, I walked into town and sat down and 12 shots of coffee. The caffeine probably helped me to come to a startling fact – humanity isn´t worth spit. I started going a little looney and writing down some thoughts. As a result you can expect a book of my thoughts about the human race at the end of my journey (give or take a year for a good publishing deal of course). But the experience only served as inspiration to begin something new, as I managed to relocate my clothes from the same laundry later on that night after some nice human actually returned them – crisply folded.
I caught up with an Aussie mate, Rob Coltheart and saw how he was doing over in London. Any traces of an Australian tan were completely gone and already the depression from the English climate was apparent. His accent was still particularly un-British so I think it will only be a few months more before his subconscious gives in to peer pressure.
And what kind of traveling buddy would I be if I didn’t catch up with Gemma and Lisa, who I met in Salvador, Brazil. We did the typical British thing and had lunch at the pub followed by a stroll around town and then danced away the evening to about a hundred Kylie Minogue songs. And just about all the British students I meet on my travels ask me about Neighbours… “Is it true that Paul lost his leg?”. I may need to download the synopsis of our favourite soap opera just to engage in conversation with the Brits…
And finally, what is it with backpackers and sex in hostel dorm rooms? I’m not sure… but the guy in the bunk above me discovered the nasty side of hostel accommodation when he invited a certain young girl back to our 8-bed dorm room. Everything seemed to be going well for him until right at the pivotal moment, she turned him down in a very public manner. After all a good night’s sleep is almost a virtue in itself. Next morning there was a room of seven smirking faces and one dark shade of red on another…
New York City
There’s nothing like a Sunday in New York, or a Wednesday for that matter…
I got off the plane and on to a bus. It didn’t explode. The next day I caught a subway. It didn’t explode. Followed by numerous subway trips over the next few days. They also didn’t explode. Nor was I mugged. Nor was I beaten to a pulp in Central Park.
At the risk of jinxing myself again… can I just say that this place is SUCH a letdown!
I did do something a little different and spontaneous for me. I became – THE TOURIST!
I clocked up over 5 museums, 6 tours and over 12 sights in just 3 days, riding buses and trains with unabashed abandon. There was one amusing moment when I was at the Madame Tussaud’s wax museum. I nearly walked infront of a lady taking a photo of a group of wax figures. So I stood back and waited for about half a minute until I started to realise that her hand looked just a little too waxy for my liking. Even more amusing was the time spent afterwards watching just about everyone get fooled by the same figurine. Damn you Madame Tussaud!
That shiny Big Apple kind of grows on you after a while. It’s a city to explore on foot, because every few streets there is a new subculture to explore. You may skip past Little Brazil on your way to Little Italy through Chinatown. It’s an interesting difference from many of the Western cities, after experiencing Brazil. In Brazil the communities are blended throughout the country. In New York and my remembrances of Sydney and other similiar places are small segregated communities.
The World Trade Centre site is still a gaping hole in the Manhattan skyline. We all saw the images on the news for weeks after the towers collapsed, but somehow, being there and seeing the site for yourself makes it more real. There’s a sombre atmosphere in the surrounding area. Keep an eye on this site in the future as the Freedom Tower will become a new high point in Manhattan. The space above where the original two towers were will be kept clear and become part of a huge memorial to the victims of the 9/11 attacks.
Travelers Tips:
THE SUBWAY… To truly understand the New York subway system you only have to remember a few things (like the metro map for example). Trains typically go in two directions – uptown (north) or downtown (south) in Manhattan. The colour coding indicates a number of lines that head to a general location. Each line has a seperate number OR letter to identify it. You may have one station where three red trains (numbers 1, 2 and 3) all use the same platform. When that happens just wait for a train that has the number. The only other thing to watch out for are the express trains! They skip stops everywhere…
It is confusing, and probably this description will only help you begin to understand how it all works.
THE NEW YORK PASS…I found this little card was good value for money. You can visit quite a lot of places, tours and sites all for the one price. There are a number of options to suit your budget as well as for groups.
THE ROCKEFELLER CENTER…This was one of the best tours in New York and not to be missed. My Rastifarian guide was a wealth of architectural and historical knowledge as we walked around a number of the buildings owned by “Junior” Rockefeller.
I Thought this Plane was Non-Smoking?
It was a lovely day to start with, no really, it was. The sun was, apparent, and that’s always a good sign. After a particularly fulfilling Starbuck’s Green Tea Frapuccino it was on to the subway armed with my backpack and a chirpy attitude. 40 minutes later and I was on a shuttle bus to the airport, giddy with excitement as much as with the poor suspension. After all, today, August 2, was the day I was going to New York!
I looked out the airport’s B Terminal windows to see a rather interesting electrical storm approaching. A calm voice gently broke the news that due to the proximity of the storm, no flights would be landing or departing until after the storm had passed.
Hmmmm. An airport wait and I was unprepared with no book to read and no magazine to flick. So I bought a book with my last Canadian money at the bookshop. The book was called “In praise of slow” and it proved to be quite apt or a jinx…
The storm increased and further delays were expected. Huge bolts of lightning were coming down with loud bursts every few minutes but other than that it seemed to just be a fairly typical storm. After a few hours of waiting I was informed that my flight was cancelled. Not delayed… cancelled due to the weather. Have a nice day sir and come back tomorrow!
Ok! No problems I can leave my bag here overnight and just rush through check-in tomorrow – right? No! Due to security reasons my bag could not stay there overnight. Because at the stroke of midnight my already secured and thoroughly checked bag may be opened by mischievous elves or hobgoblins who may have anti-American sentiments. I don’t know about the elves but I was having a bit of a case of anti-American-Airlines sentiments after the weak excuse.
Meanwhile, overhead in the thundering skies of Toronto, an Air France plane was attempting to land. Due to the bad weather, the pilot overshot the runway and crashed into a ravine just in front of the busiest highway in Toronto. Every single person got off the plane alive just before it burst into flames which was an absolute miracle.
So it turned out to be a 10 hour wait the first day, followed by an 8 hour wait the next, until this flaked out Aussie made it on to a plane that appeared to be taking off. The first day’s wait passed easier than the second, as the hallucinogenic smell of burning plane passed the time with a few conscious dreams.
Check out the Air Crash Investigation episode of this crash.
How to Unfold your Day
Just two day-unfolder-ers at Niagara Falls
The one thing I have loved about my travels is that aside from knowing exactly which country I will still be in at the end of the day, I have no idea how the end of each day will end.
Previously I had my days and nights pretty nicely programmed so that even though there was room for a little spontaneity, I had a rough idea where and what I’d be doing. Not so with my travels. Unplanning my days and my trip has left me open to some incredible experiences and some new friendships.
One day recently, I ended up downtown in the afternoon for a coffee and ended up chatting with a Jordanian guy, Nadeem, who now lives in Canada. We talked about life in Canada and some of the interesting cultural things to do in the city. He invited another friend, Suhail, to meet me and we all chatted about different things for a while. Afterwards, I was invited to go to see a film by renowned Egyptian director, Youssef Chahine. The film was called “Alexandrie… New York” and was part of the Toronto Arab Film Festival. Although there were mixed reviews from the crowd as many had seen some of his other films, I was left captivated by the story.
The film was so controversial that it was censored in New York. The relationship between the Egyptian director and his American-born son reflects some of the stories of intolerance and rejection of the Arabic community following 9/11 in New York. The irony of the film’s censorship in NYC only adds to the film’s strength.
What a totally unexpected end to my day, but it could easily have been more typical if I had not been in an open frame of mind…
So many opportunities can pass us by because of routine. Routine trains our minds to accept all information from our senses in terms of protocols. I don’t stop and smell the roses on the way to work because routine says I don’t need to. But the rose will always smell nice…
***Life Challenge***
Get out of your routine! Do something crazy and leave yourself open to making a new friend, doing something you wouldn’t normally do or surprise your spouse, friends or family. If you don’t go to bed tonight feeling more alive, then you may need to check your pulse.
Do something crazy or different and then let me know about it! I love hearing from you guys…
It can be something small like going home a different way from work or something big like going to a cafe and trying to strike up a conversation with someone else, surprising someone with a gift or whatever. And tell me about it! Please!
Ding Dong, Niagara Falling
THE RISE AND FALLS OF VIAGRA, ERR, NIAGARA…
I have seen water, it’s water, that’s all… (Bjork)
Ah memory lane. I was off to Niagara Falls in Canada to see if I could remember anything from my previous visit in 1986. The only thing I could remember were oddly shaped buildings and some of the tacky commercial entertainment arcades in the nearby streets.
From giant Incredible Hulks climbing up the sides of buildings, to the Ripley’s Believe It or Not building (a facade of a building toppled over on its side). There was the “Rock Legends” wax museum, the “Movie Legends” wax museum, the “Criminal Legends” wax museum and I was half expecting to run into the “Waxer of Wax Museum Legends” wax museum… The Tacky Tourist Town, as my tour guide Jojo described, is a product of Niagara’s vivid and so very strange history.
Picture a tight-rope walker carrying a hot stove on his back high above the falls, cracking eggs, cooking them on the stove, and then lowering them down to hungry customers in a boat below. And that was in the early 1900’s. Soon after the first person to go over the falls in a barrel was Annie Taylor, a 63-year old school teacher. But some of the other “daredevils” of Niagara have tried fatally kayaking over the falls and jetskiing over the falls with a rocket-propelled parachute… So to see a few crazy commercial enterprises and oddities around Niagara is pretty – well – normal.
Read the so very, very strange stories online here….
Travelers Tips:
The Hostelling International at Niagara Falls is a good hostel with an excellent recycling and environmental program. Their kitchen is way cool.
Go to Niagara from Toronto with JOJO TOURS. Their driver, Devia, is a very cool person with lots of knowledge about the area. I booked my tour through the Hostelling International hostel in Toronto. You can choose from a day tour or an overnighter.
Drug Smuggling?
HOTEL HIJINX AND THE CASE OF THE DRUGGED SMUGGLER
Marinella, Winston and Yvonne were all on hand as witnesses to the craziness
It was my last night in the Caribic House hotel. My newfound Aussie travelling companion, Winston, and I had just gone to sleep only to be woken a few hours later by the neighbours who were clearly either watching the local porn channel or creating a movie of their own. Aside from the walls shuddering every few seconds and loud gasps there were also classic dialogue such as:
MAN: <loud slap> You like being my bitch don’t you?
WOMAN: <long pause followed by gasps> <sound of door slamming>
MAN: <screaming> Elllll-eeenn! I love you!
Things were strange enough until I was woken early the next morning with a knock at the front door. This weird guy asked me if I was going to Kingston that morning. After which I informed him he may have the wrong room. He revealed to me he was a security guard and the neighbouring apartment had had their camera and camcorder stolen and that we were under suspicion because our balconies are connected. He said he may have to come back and search.
I was like, “Whatever…”, and felt a little shifty about his demeanour as well as his story. Checking the lock on the door I went back to bed, only to be woken again by a telephone by someone asking for a “Damon”, who obviously wasn’t in our room. I suggested that he may be on his way to Kingston and hung up.
I managed to sleep a little more, woke up for a fourth time and went downstairs for a well-earned breakfast. I let the hotel reception know about the strange going-ons and they expressed total surprise especially about their new security employee. After breakfast I came back to find an investigator chatting with our two English neighbours, Yvonne and Marinella, about a robbery. He chatted with me on their balcony. As it turns out, the ‘security guard’ was probably the thief and after swapping a few details and descriptions I was allowed to return to my room.
Meanwhile, Yvonne was out the front door of her room talking to this guy who was acting a little strange. He says that he thinks I am military as I walk past and reminds us that he is not Muslim and doesn’t bomb people even though he should remove his beard. (???)
Later, the police arrive to talk with Yvonne and Marinella about their robbery. But the crazy guy isn’t sure why the police are there and starts talking. Naturally after hearing him talk for just a few minutes the police enter his room and search it. They end up taking him down to the station handcuffed with his suitcase as well so they can properly search it… apparently for the drugs that Yvonne says the crazy guy admitted to be smuggling.
CRAZY! But I highly recommend staying at Caribic House Hotel, if not for the air conditioner, at least for the experiences.
Hurricanes
Even hurricanes have their moments
My life is the calm between storms some people say. Actually I just made that up because it tied in nicely with Jamaica’s hurricane season. And so it came to pass that I entered Jamaica two days after Hurricane Dennis and leaving two days after Hurricane Emily. Thankfully both were a bit of a non-event for Jamaica.
If you have ever had to name a baby, spare a moment to appreciate the team of people that come together to name the most infamous ‘children’ in the world! This group of clucky scientists congregate at the World Meteorological Society in Switzerland. They’ve set a list of names for tropical storms all over the world through to 2011 and I note with glee that some of your names appear there. (Mine doesn’t!)
Apparently naming a hurricane was easier to help distribute information, record data and help to warn the general public. They used to only have female names until the 1970’s when due to a little pressure from the feminists, they added 50/50 male and female names to the list. The first storm in each year takes a name starting with A, and then each storm in turn takes the next alphabetical name on the list. A curious thing is how there are no names starting with Q or U. (Apologies to any Quincy’s and Ulysses’ who may be reading…)
Head to the Hurricane pages online if you need help picking a name for a troublesome baby.
Tales of The Brazilianaire 